Yes, I’m a mother.
Yes, I’m diagnosed with both Borderline Personality Disorder and Complex PTSD.
No, I didn’t choose this.
No, it’s not my fault.
But the guilt? It tortures me. Everyday.
There’s no shame in my trauma. The abuse I endured was very real. It happened to me — not because of me. But still, I carry the shame. Not from the PTSD, but from the BPD.
Because let’s be honest: BPD is one of the most stigmatized, misunderstood disorders out there. We’re labeled as unstable, manipulative, even dangerous. We’re feared. Whispered about. Dismissed. Even Dr. Marsha Linehan — the very woman who created DBT and revealed she has BPD — advised us to hide our diagnosis, because the stigma is so brutal.
So I’ve hidden it. For years. But I can’t keep hiding.
I was a single mom. My son is now 24.
Did my BPD damage him?
It is highly likely that it had an impact on him, at the very least.
Beyond repair? Dear God, I hope not.
Did I pass it on to him? I could have.
Does he feel the same emptiness I do? I wonder every day.
I raised him through a storm while being in one. I tried. God, I tried. You know that I did, but what if trying wasn’t enough?
What am I guilty of? What do I do with that guilt now?
Do I tell him I have BPD? Does he already know, deep down?
Will it push him further away?
Will he hate me for it — or finally understand me?
I believe he deserves to know. But I also fear that the moment I say it out loud, he’ll look at me differently — not with compassion, but confirmation: “Ah, so you really are crazy.”
I’m terrified.
This blog is my way of not hiding anymore.
It’s for women like me. Mothers like me. People who’ve lived in survival mode so long they don’t know what peace feels like.
It’s for those who are trying to piece together a relationship with their children — and with themselves — from the fragments of the past.
If you’re reading this and you know this feeling — that cold ache of guilt, shame, fear, and longing — you’re not alone. I see you. I am you.
I don’t have all the answers.
But I have this space now.
And I have the truth.
That’s where I’m starting.